The Call
by filesfreak4life
Summary: Harm and Mac get it together when Harm is pulled away for a mission somewhere unknown... drama ensues, but will our fabulous duo make it out of this one unharmed?
1. It Started Out As a Feeling

**Authors Note:**

Okay, so I curse my friend who got me addicted to this show, but I admit to all in fanfic land that I was able to watch all 10 years in the span of two months... yes, two months. I feel in love with Sarah MacKenzie and Harmon Rabb... their romance was just too much for me to not write about. Sorry to all the OTH people out there, but Harm and Mac are totally rivaling Leyton in my book.

On that note... here goes the fic, and it really is something that was inspired by the song "The Call" by Regina Spektor. I suggest you all go to youTube or iTunes and bust it out because it is BEAUTIFUL! So here goes my first JAG fic... hope someone likes it...

**It started out as a feeling, which then grew into a hope**

**Which then turned into a quiet thought.**

**Which then turned into a quiet word.**

I couldn't tell you the moment that I fell in love with her. It was like one minute she was arguing a case against me, and the next I knew that she'd be there forever. It just started as a feeling that I couldn't explain. She'd walk into the room and my eyes were drawn in her direction immediately. I hung onto every word she said, especially when she'd dress me down in that Marine way she always claims as superior.

Then we had this rollercoaster of a partnership. It couldn't even be considered a partnership really, because that wasn't ever given to us as an official title. We thought of it that way though, even when we were opposing council. JAG aside, we had traveled to the ends of the earth for each other. We risked our lives for each other. We risked supposed happiness for each other. At one point she was marrying another man. Even though the engagement broke off, I still want to kill the man who would be her husband. It was because of me though, indirectly.

Any relationship I ever started ultimately came to an end because of Mac. When I changed back to flying, Jordan broke it off… but I was more concerned with what Mac was thinking about the whole situation. It was like we had this hold on each other that couldn't be taken away, no matter how much either of us tried to.

Again though, I don't know when these thoughts changed from simple adoration to this one word.

Love.

It was thrown in my direction many times with regards to Mac. Some would outwardly ask me if I was in love with her. While others skirted around the idea of it. I don't think that I was ever able to give a definite answer to anyone. I just skirted right back, and they would look on knowingly. When it was asked, I never outright denied it. I couldn't ever bring myself to deny it.

Love.

I could never tell her. I've thought it a million times. I just couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. It would ruin something. Maybe it would take our friendship away. Maybe it would throw the careers we both love away. Maybe I'm a bigger coward than my wings would like to admit. Four letters were what made me come undone. Four letters is what led me here.

When I joined the Navy it was to be a fighter pilot. That was what I signed on for. Then, because of what I thought was night blindness, I couldn't do it anymore.

Years later when my eyes were fixed, I couldn't help but return to flight status. I remember trying to explain it all to Mac. I thought she would be the one who understood. The day I left, we stood in my office and she told me that she had so many things to say to me, but she couldn't find the words.

I hoped that she could now. After all we had been through, I hoped that she could find the words and I could say them back.

**And then that word grew louder and louder until it was a battle cry.**

The knock startled me away from my thoughts. Not needing to look at the clock, I knew that it was late to be getting any kind of visitor. That fact alone made me know that it was Harm.

When I open the door, the look he gives back to me is something that I don't recognize. Maybe from a distant past I have seen some semblance, but nothing like what I see now. It was as if a part of him was broken, not wanting to admit something to himself.

"What is it?" I say, leading him inside.

He takes his coat off, laying it across the chair near my door, and moves to sit down on the couch before even saying a hello.

"We've got to talk."

"I can see that." I say, sitting down across from him with concern etching my features, "what's wrong."

"I just got a call."

"About…" I say, trying to lead him into whatever it is that has him thrown for a loop.

"I've been selected for something… it's a pilot's gig."

"Okay… you are a pilot. Why is this something that seems to have rattled you?"

"They're sending me overseas to fight."

"What do you mean to fight?"

"There's talk about trying to get some headway in this war, flying some missions as well as doing some time in country. It's all pretty hush hush. I don't think I should even be telling you any of this."

"Why you?" I say, letting the concern grow a bit more as I take in what he's saying.

"I have a history of being…. Adventurous when put into intense situations… the recommendation came from high up. I'm thinking some of it was CIA."

"Harm…"

"I know, but they're orders, Mac."

I stand now, pacing the length of my small living room. Remembering the time he spent as CIA wasn't helping the situation much, leaving me even more worried than when he came to the door in the first place. There had been so many moments together and apart where I feared for his life, watching him go off to do something that he may not come back from.

"How long?"

"I don't know." He says, too fast to pass for the truth.

"Flyboy, you and I have been through too much for you to start lying to me now…"

He just looks at me for a few moments, as if the longer he waited the better the answer was going to be, "Six months to a year."

I can feel the color drain from my face as he says it.

"No…" it comes out as a whisper.

"Mac." He says, almost rushing to my side before I put up my hands, telling him he needs to back off. "Sarah, talk to me."

"No." I say, walking the short distance to my bedroom and locking the door behind me. I know it was a weak response to the life changing news, but I couldn't do any more than that.

I had spent the hour or so before Harm had even knocked, thinking about our situation. We had finally started getting back to how things were before Paraguay and before the CIA. I was forced to go back to my thoughts from before, working through each detail of our relationship. From our meeting all the way to those short weeks ago when he told me he was ready when I was to make good on a deal we made years ago.

It isn't as if we haven't been apart for long stretches at a time. That isn't it. It was just that he and I had never been at the same place at the same time. Finally, I thought that we were getting there. I thought that maybe we were on our way towards something more than what we had.

I spend another hour allowing myself to go through the grieving process, acting as if I had already lost him. He wasn't even mine to lose. We never made those declarations, we never acted on anything that others have said we should.

When all is said and done, it is three in the morning, and I still haven't slept a wink. The insomnia that has plagued me for years has given me the ability to function on little to no sleep anyways, so I figure that I might as well make good on the few hours I have before the day really begins.

When I'm in the kitchen grabbing a water, I hear the quiet voice coming from the other room, "Sarah."

Of course he didn't leave. When I asked him if he would always be there once, he told me he would. Why would today be any different?

"How are you still here?"

"You think I was just going to leave after that? You needed processing time."

"Harm, I don't want to talk about this." I say, not turning to face him yet.

"Mac, I've got two weeks before I'm off doing God knows what… I need you to talk to me!" he says, starting to raise his voice.

I turn then, absolutely infuriated by his words for some reason beyond me, "Why did you even come here? Huh? You make all these decisions without me anyways. Hell, Harm you didn't even tell me when you got your vision fixed to fly again anyways. Maybe if I had talked you out of it, we wouldn't be in this situation. You're a selfish bastard, you know that?"

"Oh, I'm selfish! I got the call and I drove here immediately!"

"You don't owe me that!" I scream, knowing that he does, but not being willing to admit it to myself.

"Yes, I do! Have the last nine years meant nothing to you?"

"Of course they have, but it doesn't work like that Harm."

"Really? Enlighten me then, Colonel! How does it work?"

"I'm not yours!"

"What? Mac…."

"You and I are nothing to each other. What title do we have, huh? Best friends? Partners? Work buddies?"

Lies. They're lies the second they leave my lips. I just want to hurt him. If he's leaving, I just want to hurt him. I want him to realize that we really aren't anything. Maybe I want to convince myself that we really aren't anything.

"We're more than that…"

"I don't know that!" I say, finally getting at the heart of the matter.

I hear myself picking this fight, half trying to convince him that I don't see it, and half wanting him to finally make some huge declaration that I don't even think I'm ready for.

"Why do you need a title for what we are? Why does it even matter!" he says, raising his voice again to match the screaming that I started us back into.

That is my breaking point. The next words tear through me, and I cry out like they are the only words keeping me alive in this moment.

"Because I'm in love with you! You know it… and I think maybe I know it too, but we keep side stepping each other, and now it's too late."

"Why?"

"Two weeks."

"You're acting like it's a horrifying deadline, Mac."

"Can you tell me you're coming back?"

He sits down again, and I know that he can't answer the question.

"Tell me this… if two weeks was all we had, would anything change?"

I open my mouth to say something, but he cuts me off again, "—I mean, if we had the rest of our lives, would it change how we felt? No. It wouldn't. I've loved you for the past nine years, and I'll love you until I'm gone. That may be in a month, or it could be in another fifty years. We don't know. So, whether we've got two weeks, or the rest of our lives… does that change anything?"

Part of me stops then… realizing what he just shared with me, what he just admitted. "You've never said it. You've never said the words before"

"I know."

"Why?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Marine."

I let the smile come over me, finally noticing the tears that had fallen down my cheeks during his confession. "It would be so hard."

"I don't think that you and I have ever made anything easy, Mac."

I shake my head at that, knowing that he is speaking the truth. Then he's standing next to me, and I can feel the war storming in my body. The sparks that have always been there at the slightest touch. The catch in my breath when I think for a split second that he might kiss me.

When he does, I know it's over. The last time we shared a kiss like that, I was getting ready to marry another man. I knew then that it couldn't go any further. Now, there is nothing holding us back. No excuses to stop.

We can never go back.

**I'll come back when you call me.**

**No need to say goodbye.**

"Explain this…" I say, placing kisses along the exposed shoulder in front of me.

"What?" she says, smiling up at me.

"Why haven't we been doing this the whole time? I mean, we are pretty good at this."

I deserve the smack that comes my way from that comment. "Yeah, well, now it's the morning after. What are we thinking?"

"Do you still love me?"

"Yes." She says without hesitation.

"Good, because I still love you."

"And…"

I get frustrated, because I know that she's just fishing for a deeper conversation, a conversation we didn't have when we talked during the Admiral's dining out. "Hell, Mac, I'd take you down to city hall right now if you'd let me."

After a moment of what looks like consideration, she finally speaks. "I'm pretty sure they're closed on Saturdays…"

"Hmmm… Monday?" I say, half jokingly, playing along with her.

"Only if you're willing."

My eyebrows go up, and I honestly can't tell if she's serious or joking.

"You're trying to figure out if I'm joking aren't you?"

"uh huh…"

She smiles and all is forgotten for another few minutes, letting ourselves get lost again.

"Would it be crazy?"

"The way I see it, we've been practically engaged for almost nine years."

"Yeah, except for when I was engaged to another man for over a year."

"Were you really though?" I ask her, resulting in a sigh from the woman I know too well.

"No. I think part of me was waiting for you to come back and stop the wedding. I wanted you to do what I didn't have the guts to do in the end, you know?"

"You've never told me that."

"You never really asked."

"That's always been the problem hasn't it? I've been dodging us all along."

"It isn't just you. I've dodged too. Didn't you tell me that I made complicated things simple?"

"And I make simple things complicated…."

"I play that night in my head over and over. Not just the porch though, it was when we went back in. The Admiral showed us a cake and we were talking about Mic and I being forever. Then your hand touched mine and it was like all the breath went out of my lungs at once. I knew that it was over."

"I remember… and you do know that you and I are always going to be complicated, right?"

"And why is that?"

I roll back onto my side, laying out next to her and staring at the ceiling. I know that if we were to do this, it would be every bit as perfect as I've always thought it would be. Maybe we don't really want to jump.

"So…" I say, trying to figure out what she's thinking over next to me.

"Monday, we play hookie."

"Seriously?"

"I'll call it in… say we got food poisoning on Sunday night."

"…and we get married?"

"Only if you're asking, Flyboy."

"Consider yourself asked, Marine."

She giggles and we are forced to spend the rest of the day in her bedroom. We leave for food and showers, but end up right back where we started the day every time.

The next two days go by in a blur, and we're suddenly sitting in uncomfortable chairs waiting to be called by the person who is going to make us man and wife. We've gone back and forth about it all weekend, fighting really. Maybe it would be enough to be engaged, but in the end we agreed that it was all or nothing simply because it was us.

When the judge asks about rings, Mac turns to me with wide eyes, "We don't have rings! We're getting married and we don't have rings!"

"We can do the ceremony without rings ma'am" the judge tells her, until I interrupt, holding out a box for her examination.

"Harm?"

"Open it."

Her hand goes to her mouth in a gasp before she looks up at me.

"They were my grandparent's. My grandmother even told me that it was perfect that I met you, since the inscription would fit perfectly."

She raises an eyebrow before taking the smaller ring out and reading the inscription "To my Sarah… Harm this is too much."

"No, it isn't, which is why I also got you this to match…" I say, pulling out another box, and taking out another ring that nearly matched the wedding bands. "I didn't get to propose with a ring or anything, so… Sarah MacKenzie, will you marry me?"

She looks down at me and accepts the ring and kisses me before we are interrupted by the judge clearing his throat quite loudly.

"Are we ready to proceed?" he asks and we look at each other and smile with a nod.

Vows and rings exchanged, we leave as Mr. and Mrs. Harmon Rabb Jr. Then Mac turns to the practical, talking about paperwork that needs to be filled out and moving that needs to be done. It's a whirlwind of questions and plans before we realize that this is not how you are supposed to spend your Honeymoon.

When the sun finally goes down and we are wrapped in each other, she speaks the words that we have both held in for so long.

"I love you."

"I love you to, Mrs. Rabb."

She smiles and then scrunches her nose up in the cutest of ways, "So, will I be Colonel Rabb now?"

"I think that you would keep your maiden name for work. Harriet did."

"hmmm… it's just strange."

"Strange? You were the one who married me, Mac!" I say, laughing at her as she wraps her arms around me again.

"11 days, 13 hours, and 33 minutes."

"Hmmm…" I say, looking down at my watch, "7 hours, 24 minutes, and 10 seconds"

"It's actually 26 minutes, but who's really counting?"

"Apparently you are."

"We've been married under 8 hours and already I can count until the time we'll be apart in days. I don't think I can do this."

"Mac, we've done this dance before, and we survived."

"You do realize that any time that you and I have ever gone off without the other for some dangerous act, we've rescued each other? Just last year, you resigned from the Navy to come after me."

"You can't come after me this time, Mac."

"I know."

"You call me, and you tell me you need me… and I'll resign. I told you once that I'd always be there, Sarah, and I'm not planning on leaving for good any time soon."

"You don't have control over that, Harm."

"I do."

"Oh really, how?"

"You're forgetting that I've been in love with you for years without saying it. My hope was always in surviving to tell you how I feel. Now I have even more of a reason to come home… we finally said it."

"You'll come back to me?"

"Always."

**To be continued...**


	2. Just Because Everything's Changing

**Author's Note:**

**I'm glad that everyone enjoyed my last little installment, as it is my first JAG fanfic… I hope you all downloaded the song too! Since I started the third and final chapter, I figured that I would post this second chapter this evening. Enjoy!**

**Just because everything's changing, doesn't mean it's never been this way before.**

"How long do you think we have?" I say, walking into the elevator with the man that I can now call my husband.

"Until what?"

"Until the entire JAG office figures out that we got married."

"Mac, nobody is going to figure anything out until we tell them, so stop worrying about it."

"Harm, it took about two seconds for Harriet Roberts to realize that I had switched the ring from right to left with Brumby. Something tells me that this isn't going to just slip by. Coates has taken her place in that area."

"Just act normal, Mac. We've got a meeting with the General right away, he'll be the first to know."

"Okay, you're right." I say, but I'm not entirely convinced that he understood the gossiping power of the people in our office.

We make it to our respective offices with no incident, and two seconds after I arrive, it's Bud who comes to greet me.

"Colonel, are you feeling better?"

"I am Bud. It was a nasty case of food poisoning, but I'm sure I'll be fine."

Then I notice the nervous glances around the room. This isn't uncommon from Bud Roberts, but when he says a quick goodbye to me before rushing out of the office, I can feel something is up.

When I make it to Harm's door, I hear the question leave Bud's lips before he notices me, "Did you and Colonel MacKenzie get married!" he screams, more out of confusion than out of excitement.

"Bud!" I say, rushing into the office and closing the door loudly behind me.

"Oh my God! Harriet is going to flip! You guys actually got married? Like for real got married, or are you doing it for some weird undercover thing that I don't know about yet. Or maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions, but I saw the ring on her hand, and then I saw it on yours and I just assumed. And you know what they say about assumptions, they—"

"Bud! Stop!" Harm finally says, cutting off the insane ramblings.

"Yes."

"Yes, you know what they say about assumptions, or yes, you got married?"

"We got married."

He just stands there for a moment, looking at both of us, seemingly searching for answers that are obviously not etched on our faces.

"But, why? I mean, I know why. God, the two of you have been in love with each other for like… well, forever, but why now? Why didn't you do a big wedding? Why didn't we know?"

"It just…" I start to say before stopping to think about how you can explain it to anyone that isn't us. "It just happened."

"Does this have anything to do with Commander Rabb's new assignment?" Bud asks innocently.

"You knew?" I say, confused only because Harm had told me that when he found out, he rushed out to see me.

"Yeah, the Commander told me."

Suddenly, I'm mad. The fact that Bud knew before me just pissed me off and brought out my Marine in full force.

"Well, isn't that interesting?" I say, turning on my heels and heading back to my office to debrief myself on the past few days.

He doesn't even knock when he comes in, and I find myself wanting to yell at him about it when I realize that we're married. He shouldn't really have to knock now, should he?

"Mac."

"No, you don't get to talk to me about all this."

"I found out last night and Bud was still here."

I can't argue with him then.

"Why did you just assume the worst? I told you that when I found out, I immediately came to you. You don't believe that?"

"I don't know what to think any more, Harm."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" he asks, and my mind starts racing in fifty different directions.

"Harm, do you realize that in the span of just a few days, you and I declared our love for each other, raced off to city hall for a marriage license, and planned out this elaborate future together?"

"Yes." He says with such simplicity that it infuriates me to no end.

"Well, I'm just trying to wrap my head around it, that's it!" I say, nearly screaming at him as I make my way to my desk chair.

"Don't do this, Mac."

"Don't do what?"

"Don't run. We finally got it. We finally figured it out, so don't run on me now."

"I'm not." I say, while I think that in my head he is actually quite right.

"Really? So…. Picking a fight with me is really going to ensure our marital status?"

I throw my hands down into my lap as I push the chair back from my desk. I know that my head hangs a bit in disappointment. He knows everything. We can't go back to the way things used to be in this situation. We used to dodge all the hard stuff. I used to pick fights with him just to make me not want him anymore. It has been this way before, and we got through it then and found each other every time.

"Damn you Harmon Rabb, for knowing me so well." I say, knowing that it will bring that grin to his face.

"For the record, Mrs. Rabb, you and I have really been declaring our love for each other since the beginning. We didn't say the words, but it has always been there."

I nod, looking into his eyes with an intensity that I can't let go of. When a throat clears behind him, I snap to attention.

"General, sir." We both say in unison.

He glances down before addressing both of us. "I assume that the two of you would like to talk about a few things?"

"We were attempting to, but we got sidetracked."

"A lover's spat?" he says, with an uncharacteristic smirk on his face.

"More like spousal abuse." Harm says, and I send a glare his way.

"I see. Now, considering that Commander Rabb here is going off on a new assignment, I don't have to necessarily change anything here at JAG. Colonel, you'll remain my COS, and I assume that the two of you will start on the paperwork to officially join yourselves in the eyes of the Navy before the Commander leaves."

"We will sir."

"Now, I know that the two of you have a lot to sort through, so why don't you secure early today to get some of it done. I assume that you would both like a few days before Commander Rabb leaves, as well. Consider it done. "

"We appreciate it sir." I say, not believing that this would be something so easily taken.

"We'll see both of you tomorrow." He says, and we both snap back to attention as he leaves the room.

He's almost out when he says, "Congratulations, by the way… from the conversations floating around, I assume that it's been a long time coming."

"Thank you sir." We both say, then smile at each other for a beat.

They were right… a long time coming.

**All you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war.**

"I just can't believe it!" Harriet says as we are sitting down to dinner a few nights later.

We look at each other and smile then, knowing that our friends have known for some time that this was in the works.

"We have all been waiting on the two of you forever, and you finally figured it out."

"It seems as though we did, Harriet." I say, looking over to my new wife with yet another smile.

The kids had long been asleep and we were lounging around the dinner table chatting about plans for the future. Harriet was insisting that we throw a huge party celebrating our marriage, but Mac just looks at me in that panicked face, and I step in.

"You know, Harriet, I think that all Mac and I need is some of your famous pie."

"Ooh! Yes, that's exactly what I need."

Harriet smiles, standing up from the table before grabbing Sarah by the arm and insisting that she come and share details.

"I promise, I won't tell her anything embarrassing" she says, leaning down to whisper in my ear before walking into the kitchen.

Then Bud and I are left on our own, knowing full well that we have more than a few minutes before the girls come back with dessert.

"We are really happy for you sir, but can I ask… what about your assignment?"

I had already thought about it, and thought about what it would do to both of us.

"I actually wanted to talk to you about that, Bud. I haven't gotten a lot of the specifics, but it's going to be a lot of need to know stuff. I'm not going to be able to talk to her every day like how it was when you were on the Seahawk and Harriet was still here… you know us… you…"

"Sir, I get it."

"I can finally admit out loud that I don't know what I would do if I found out I caused her any more pain. I don't know what I would do without her. I have loved her so much for so long, and now that we've said it… now that we've acted on it, I'm just stuck."

"When I went to the Seahawk and I had to leave Harriet for the first time in so many years, I felt the same way. But, do you know what helped me through it?"

I shake my head, not knowing exactly what to do with the situation before me.

"I knew that Harriet had you. You would protect her… you and Colonel MacKenzie. I knew that AJ's godparents would make sure he was okay, and I knew that you guys wouldn't let anything happen to Harriet. It killed me to be away from her, but knowing that she wasn't really alone brought me comfort."

"Bud, can you…"

"Harriet and I have always watched out for the two of you. You were my mentors for so many years, you're the godparents of our child, you're our best friends. She needs anything, and we'll be there."

"I told her that the second she needed me, I'd quit. I meant it, Bud. I will make it my goal to get information to you about how to get in contact with me. If you think anything's wrong, you take the steps and you get the information to me."

"Commander…"

"When she was on the Guadalcanal she asked me what I would give up to be with her, and at the time I hesitated. I didn't tell her right then and there that I would give up everything I have to be with her. I won't hesitate now. You send word, and I'm here, no questions asked."

"I think you'll appreciate the size of your slice here Commander." Mac says, coming back in the room, not noticing that my eyes are fixed on Bud's.

Bud nods and I know that he'll do whatever he can to make sure that Mac will be safe and sound here when I can't be at her side.

I look down then at the plate she put in front of me, finding that it is probably the biggest slice of pie that I've ever had in my entire life.

"Mac!"

She leans in then, whispering in my ear, "You know, we're still newlyweds… you'll need the carbs."

I can feel the heat rising up my cheeks as I pick up my fork to eat.

**Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light.**

A few days before he has to go, we go out to the airfield where he keeps Sarah under lock and key.

"Where we flying to today Commander?" I ask with a smile, knowing that he couldn't resist taking the plane up once before he left.

"We're not…" he says, surprising me by grabbing a picnic basket and a few blankets out of the trunk of his car.

"So we drove all the way out here for nothing?"

"No… you'll see why we drove all the way out here…"

We eat in silence… maybe because we don't want to chance ruining our last few days together. We've been quiet for the last few days, actually, showing our love for each other in the same subtle ways we always have with the added benefit of coming home to the same place and ending our nights together.

We found a house, surprisingly. It's a beautiful two story not too far from where the admiral used to live. It's big, but without coming out and directly saying what he wants to fill the extra rooms with, I know why he was drawn to it. I'd be lying if I said that was one of the perks I thought of as well. It has an open first floor with an office off to the side and a deck that we can't wait to use in the summer time. The upstairs has four rooms, one of which we decided would be ours, one for a guest room, and the other two we haven't mentioned.

I thought he was joking when he said that he wanted to buy a house and laughed when he suggested that we do it before he left. It was like Harriet all over again, but at least I had my husband's permission. We found it on our first drive, made a bid to a very willing seller, and it will close sometime when Harm is away. Bud and Harriet have already offered to come help me move in when the time comes. However, the owner has been letting us come snoop around so Harm and I can plan where things go. The best thing he did was allow us to spend the night there on Harm's last night in the states. There isn't any furniture, no electricity turned on, no running water yet, but… we've decided that it would be a perfect way to say goodbye to each other.

I'm lost in all these thoughts and don't notice the sun falling down over the nearby hills, setting and turning the sky a beautiful orange color.

"So why did we come, if you didn't want to fly? I was sure that you wanted to take Sarah out before you left."

"I did, just not the Sarah that you're thinking." He answers with that flyboy grin of his. "You'll see in a few minutes why I wanted us to come out here, but for now… Mrs. Rabb, join me over here."

I welcome the gesture and the comfort in his arms. Laying back against his chest just causes me more thoughts though… working through all the time that we could have had this.

"Do you ever think about that?" I say, thinking that he could hear my thoughts.

"About what?"

"All that time."

It takes him a minute before he responds, which I take as him either thinking about the statement or him trying to figure out exactly what I meant by my words. He knows me though, so he doesn't disappoint.

"I feel like we needed to get through all the crap, because if we would have happened sooner, then maybe we wouldn't be who we are."

"Have we really changed that much since the rose garden?"

"You mean when the admiral told us to not get too comfortable?"

I giggle then, shamelessly thinking about how the admiral was one of the biggest people in our lives and didn't ever shy us away from each other. "Yeah…"

"Let's see, you quit JAG to become a regular lawyer, fell off the wagon once, followed me to Russia, fell in love with Mic Brumby, almost married the guy, almost got killed in Paraguay… you don't think that changed you?"

"hmmm… found out about your father, quit JAG to fly again, almost died trying to get back for my ill-fated wedding, dodged the bullet with the video princess, and resigned your commission to come save me in Paraguay… that changed you?"

"Honestly? I think that it didn't change the person that I was, because I'll always be that fly by the seat of my pants guy, and I'll always lay it on the line for those that I care about… but my feelings for you grew in all of that. Even being with another woman led me to choose you, Mac."

"So I should call Renee and thank her?"

"Depends, do you want me to call Bugme and tell him you married me instead?"

"No… no, I don't."

"So, do you agree that the waiting was worth it?"

"It certainly led to a quick courtship, engagement, and wedding though…"

"Yeah, but you and I have always known that it would end up here, right? I mean, four years in, we make a pact to go halves on a kid? I knew you then, Mac, and I knew that deal meant a hell of a lot more than just a kid… you wanted all of it."

"You're right, but I don't think that I had already realized that I wanted all that with you."

"I did."

The whole time we talked, I had my eyes closed, focusing on our words, and focusing on his breathing under my cheek. I hadn't realized that it had gotten completely dark until he told me to look up.

"Oh my Gosh, it's beautiful."

It was like the entire night sky was lit up for us that night. It was clear and I could see millions of tiny glittering lights before my eyes.

"This is why I wanted to come here. I wanted to show you this, and I wanted to tell you this… you know your constellations, right Marine?"

I nod, not taking my eyes away from the sky.

"Pick one."

"Okay… and?"

"Show me…"

I show him, and he tells me to pick just one star out of it.

"No matter where I am, I'll know where that star is. Even if I'm in a place where I can't see it, I'll look… every night. Will you do that for me?"

"Yes."

"Then we're good…"

"Is it really that simple?"

"Yes."

I stare at the star, willing it to burst into the night sky and give me something to wish on. Wishing that he didn't have to leave, wishing that we could spend the rest of our days just together.

When he takes me home that night, and the night after, we love each other not unlike it was the first time all over again… possibly as if it was the last. And before I fall asleep, I pray that it isn't, counting the hours until he leaves on this damn accurate internal clock of mine.

**You'll come back when it's over. No need to say goodbye.**

I just watch her next to me. I lay there with my head propped up just staring that this beautiful creature that came into my life and for better or worse, knocked me on my ass.

All the things that we've shared together over the years come flooding back to me, and all I can remember is that every single time she walked into the room, she took my breath away. When she smiled at me and her eyes crinkled at the edges, and all I could see were chocolate irises staring back at me. When she put a reassuring hand to my shoulder and I hid the reaction to the spark her touch ignited every time. Somewhere in the middle of all this, Sarah MacKenzie became my life.

"Stop…" she mumbles, and I'm snapped out of my reverie, looking down to see a smile on her face.

"I can't help it, you're beautiful."

"You know, if you took a picture, it would last longer…"

Finally, she opens one eye to gauge my reaction to the snippet comment she threw back at me, and I tackle her. I tickle her sides until she's screaming with laughter and it's bouncing around in the empty room.

"I can't wait to do this every day when I get back."

Her smile disappears then, and I realize that I've brought the mood back down by bringing up my departure.

"Three hours, thirty four minutes, and fifteen seconds."

"Don't count the hours, Mac, let's make the most of them…" I say, swooping down to capture her lips with mine. And for a little while at least… the countdown stops.

I just have to keep reminding myself that this isn't a dream, and when I come home, I'm coming home to her… to all this… to a future that we haven't really discussed, but both have completely planned out in our heads. This won't be good bye.

**You'll come back when it's over. No need to say goodbye.**

I wish that something could stop him from leaving. Maybe the General calls us to say that they were mistaken and he's needed somewhere else. Hell, I wouldn't mind Clayton Webb calling to say that they changed their minds.

"Marine, you're thinking way too loud." He says, bringing me back to the two of us laying beside each other on the blow up mattress we dragged into the middle of the bedroom that would soon be ours.

I chuckle thinking about the two of us attempting to blow it up while also attempting to rip each other's clothes off the night before.

"And now you're laughing at me!"

"I'm just remembering last night with the pump and the air mattress."

"I didn't know where you had to put the thing… and then you didn't help at all… you were just distracting me."

"Well, by the time you started screaming that you, I quote 'didn't know which hole to put it in', I couldn't help myself."

"You know, you jarheads have dirty minds…"

"We've got to get you over to the airport, I can't believe they are making you fly commercial to get over there." I say, starting to get flustered as I realize that the time will keep ticking away, regardless of how much I want it to stop.

I stop at the door when I notice that he isn't getting up with me.

"What?"

"Mac, I don't want you there… I mean, I do, but I don't think that I can take that."

"Harm…"

"No, because any other time that one of us has left there hasn't been a long drawn out goodbye at the airfield. I don't want to start that now."

"Don't you think that things have changed a bit since then."

"Yes, but do you really want to be a blubbering fool in front of all those people, Marine?"

"Who says I'm gonna cry?"

"Mac."

He's right, I would be an idiot after he left, and in all honesty, probably wouldn't be able to get myself home in one piece.

"I want to get up, get dressed, kiss you goodbye like it's any other day, and watch you wave from the doorway… because that's what I'm coming home to, Mac. That's what I want to be in my head when I'm over there… that picture."

I can't argue with him, because that's the kind of picture I want too, him driving away and knowing that he'll be back soon. Even if soon could be a year from now.

I take a deep breath, looking down at him as he stays on the air mattress, "Okay."

"Yeah…", I say with a sigh.

An hour later, I sit with my head in my hands on our soon to be front porch after watching him drive away.

We never said goodbye, we just said "I love you."


	3. Now We're Back to the Beginning

**Sorry for taking so long to update… it has been crazy around me, and I got obsessed with reading another fic… oh yes, non stop reading of a JAG fanfic that is hundreds of chapters long with certainly put someone else's writing on hold. Anyways, here is the final installment of this "songfic" if you will. I hope you enjoy it, and I hope to be starting a new fic sometime soon.**

**Now we're back to the beginning**

Bud was the only one who knew that I was coming back… mainly because I had no way of getting into my house without the spare key that the Roberts' had for our new place. If I had planned it out better, I would have somehow gotten the key from Bud before tonight, because pulling up to their house after midnight was probably not something that was wise.

He opened the door before I even got to the porch.

"I was waiting up for you, Harriet was worried."

My eyes go wide at the mention of his wife's name, "You told her!"

"I had to tell her tonight after I kept looking at the door every two seconds waiting for you to show up. She didn't tell the Colonel though, so don't worry. You two will have a Roberts free weekend."

"I can't thank you enough for this Bud, I didn't know that I would get the chance to be back so soon. Even if it's only for a few days."

"She needs it…" Bud says quietly.

"Is she okay?"

"She's been putting on a brave front. The house has kept her pretty distracted, which is good. You can tell she misses you though. You go from seeing your best friend every single day and being able to pick up the phone and hear them on the other end to absolutely no contact at all… I couldn't do it."

"I barely could myself."

"So, what are you waiting for?"

I just smile at him, running down the driveway to the waiting cab that will take me back to her.

When I reach the driveway, all the lights are off, which surprises me a bit because of her usual insomnia, but makes me smile regardless at the surprise.

I turn the key in the lock and make my way up the stairs and to our bedroom… which is empty.

"You should have called, Flyboy… I would have waited up for you." She says with a raised eyebrow and a smile on her face.

"Sarah…" is all I can manage before running over to her and taking her in my arms for the first time in three months away.

Hours later, we are sitting up in the bed, with her curled into my chest and our hands clasped together. "Where were you?"

"Guest room."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to sleep in here for the first time without you." She says simply, which both breaks and warms my heart.

"We needed to Christen it?"

She nods with a laugh in her throat and I laugh right along with her.

"God, it's like the beginning all over again."

"We didn't have much time before I left to get to know each other like this."

"We've always known each other like this…"

"Oh really, sailor? I think I would have remembered _this_…"

"You know what I mean… we've always been this close."

"There were a few times."

"Not times that I like to think of often. In fact I hated all of those times. When we were fighting, or you were with someone else, or we were just being idiots."

"Yeah…"

"Mac, I missed you so much."

"How long are you here?"

"Until the end of the weekend. I go back out on Sunday night."

"Okay." She says with a finality that makes me realize that she was ready for some sleep.

We spent the next few days just getting back to the way things were before I had left, talking about things with the house, plans that we wanted to put into place the second I got back. We talked about the future with such certainty that it floored me every time. How could two people that it took so long to get together know exactly where they wanted to go with each other in the future?

When I left Sunday night, I did so in the same fashion as before, kissing her without the words and watching her wave from our porch like she did it every morning. It was the picture that got me through the first three months, and it's the picture that will get me through the rest of all this.

**It's just a feeling and no one knows yet.**

Harriet caught me asleep at my desk the day she came to take me to lunch, which she found quite amusing.

"No Harm means no sleep?" she jokes.

"It's funny how I had insomnia my whole life, and then Harm came along and fixed it. The second he's gone, it comes back. The funny thing is that I am sleeping. I get home and I pass out for a few hours, and then I wake up for a while and fall right back asleep. It's a fitful sleep though, I can't shut my brain off."

"Couldn't you go get some sleeping pills or something like that?"

"I won't do that because of my alcoholism. It's something that you can get easily addicted to."

She shrugs her shoulders, "Maybe go to the doctor and see if they have any alternative ideas. I'm pretty sure that the General would have your six if he caught you the same way I did."

We laugh about it and start in on our meal together before I have to go back to the grind and get on with the few interviews that I have to do this afternoon. I make a few doctor's appointments for the next day, hoping that it is something that I can fix easily.

The next morning, I call into work regardless of my only being there the half day because of my afternoon appointment. Waking up feeling like you got hit by a train was not something that I expected. I was tired, I was crampy, and I couldn't keep anything down. I was barely awake from another nap when I realized I needed to get in to the doctor.

"Colonel, you don't look so good today… what brings you in?"

"Well, something didn't feel right, and I've been having some sleeping issues since my husband left—"

"Husband?" she says with a smile on her face.

"It was quick, but it was a long time coming… he's been away, and then this morning I woke up feeling crampy and nauseous. I thought it might have something to do with the endometriosis."

"While that doesn't sound like a symptom of that, I'm wondering if the endometriosis is leading to some excess cysts developing as well."

"Cysts?"

"Sometimes, the uterus develops cysts. Almost everyone gets them and they disappear, but in some cases, they don't disappear. They can grow until they burst, which causes severe cramping and nausea. Why don't we get something in here to take a look."

I nod, my brow furrowed and my heart breaking at the thought of yet another thing going wrong in my world. You tell me that I can't have children, and now you're telling me that I'll have to deal with something that's going to lay me flat out every time it happens?

She brings in the ultrasound machine and all I can think about is Harm, wishing that he was here. I close my eyes and picture him smiling at me with the flyboy grin that really should be illegal, and it calms me down until I hear the doctor.

"I'll be damned."

I lift my head up to look at the machine, and then back to her because I have absolutely no idea what I would be looking at.

"When did you get married, Colonel?" she says in such a casual way that I'm convinced that she is trying to distract me from what she is about to tell me.

"About five months ago… Doctor—"

Her eyebrows raise for a second before she asks another question, "You mentioned he's been away, has your husband been gone this whole time?"

"Yes… well, he came back for a weekend about two months ago… Doctor what does this have to do with the cysts."

"It doesn't… I'm just trying to determine how far along you are before I check everything else out."

"How far along I am for what?"

"Your pregnancy."

I actually start laughing at her. This woman stood in a room very similar to this not that long ago telling me that I had less than a five percent chance of conceiving a child and she's trying to tell me that I'm pregnant? "You're kidding me, right? You told me that I couldn't conceive. This isn't actually happening."

"I didn't tell you that you couldn't, I told you that it was less than a five percent chance given your situation."

"And now…"

"Aside from the fact that I feel like I've seen a miracle, your husband was that four percent solution, Colonel MacKenzie."

"How…"

She doesn't let me ask any more questions but proceeds to show me different things on the ultrasound that I can't really decipher, except for one… a heartbeat. I'm too early to hear it, but when she showed me the tiniest flutter of the grainy image, the laughter died in my throat and the tears just rolled down my cheeks.

Once we were done with all that, she sat me down and explained everything that I needed to know.

"I'm placing this as a high risk pregnancy, Colonel… and I suggest that you talk to your CO about being put on limited duty. I'm talking half days starting as soon as possible."

I start to ask her about what I'm limited to at home when she cuts me off almost automatically, "Now, I understand that you Marines are all about your duty, but the half days are non negotiable, ma'am."

"I wasn't going to complain. I won't do anything that will jeopardize the health of this child. If you told me that all I could do for the next seven months was stand on my head, I would do it."

"Please don't do that." She says with a laugh, "I understand your concern, as it is my concern too. You need to also realize that while this baby is a miracle in its own right, it will need a lot of small miracles to make it through."

I can feel the tears start stinging my eyes as she says it, trying to wrap my head around everything that just happened in the last hour or so. "What do I do now?"

"Celebrate! Eat healthy, no strenuous exercise, limit your stress, and enjoy your pregnancy."

"When do I need to come in again?"

"If you start feeling any more cramping or extreme nausea, I want you in here immediately. Other than that, I want you in here next month so we can check out the heart beat and find out where exactly this baby is at."

"Okay."

The rest of my day is in a daze. I don't know how to feel because it is the most wonderful news I could have ever heard, but it has so many risks around it that I'm afraid about getting overly excited. It makes me want Harm home even more than before.

**But just because they can feel it too, does't mean that you have to forget.**

It was the middle of the week this time, when I was allowed to come back for leave. I hadn't seen or talked to her in five months…. Which is something that I can't even describe to anyone. How can you live through getting everything that you want, and then have it held out of reach from you for months at a time? It was torture, but I had a full five days to make up for it before I was supposedly heading off again.

My idea was to get the house ready for Mac when she got home, making her dinner and dessert, putting on some music…

My plans had to change when I saw the car in the driveway. It was a Thursday afternoon and she was home, which made no sense to me, but didn't change my excitement one bit. In fact, I thought that I could still surprise her by sneaking in to the house, which I did.

The surprise was mine.

I got through the front door, looking into the kitchen and not finding her there. Pausing, I listened for any hint as to where she could be. No sounds gave me any clues, so I made my way past the kitchen, assuming that she was upstairs in one of the bedrooms or in the office. When I glanced in the living room, she was there… asleep.

I smiled when I saw the small smile on her face as she slept, but it was where her left hand rested that made my insides jump and twist and turn in a way that no Tomcat ever could. Clearly she was home because she needed the rest, and I wasn't going to disturb that, no matter how much I wanted to talk to her about this development.

I decided that my original plan of cooking her a nice dinner would go on without a hitch, as long as I could be quiet.

When I got in the kitchen though, I couldn't bring myself to unload the bags. I sat for a minute, which apparently was more than a minute just staring off into a corner of the room.

"You're smiling…" she says, snapping me out of the daydream of thoughts I was in.

When I turn to look at her, my breath catches in my throat. I am amazed how this woman can make my heart skip a beat every time I see her, but seeing her like this was something entirely different. I had almost forgotten that feeling all these months away without her near me to recreate it.

"Mac…" I say at a whisper, and make my way over to her to kiss her before kneeling down in front of her and placing my hand on her stomach.

"I take it that this was a pleasant surprise?" she asks with worry in her eyes as she looks down at me and places a hand over mine.

"You have no idea…"

"Oh, trust me, I do. I actually laughed at the doctor when she told me I was pregnant."

"I thought we couldn't."

"As she likes to point out, she never said that we couldn't, she just said that it was a very slim chance." She says and I stand up in front of her again, "we've always beaten the odds."

We make small talk while I prepare our meal for the evening, with her telling me things about her pregnancy and filling me in on the in and outs of everything at JAG.

"Mac, why were you home?"

"hmmm?" she says, in a way that I can tell means that she doesn't want me to ask that question.

"Why were you home early today?"

"The doctor put me on half days, which will turn into no days at all pretty soon."

She sees the concern in my face before I voice it as I abandon the cutting board to sit next to her at the table.

"Because of my endometriosis, there are a host of things that could go wrong with the pregnancy. So she is having me take extra precautions to ensure that this is a healthy little…" she trails off with a glance down to her stomach and then back to me.

"You know what it is?"

She has tears in her eyes as she nods at my question, and all my thoughts and hopes and prayers are focused on this woman in front of me.

"Tell me?"

"If I do everything that the doctor says, she says that we are going to be the proud parents of a beautiful baby girl."

"A girl?"

"Your looks and my brains… wasn't that the deal?"

"I'm going to have a little girl?"

Her eyes were dancing as she watched me digest this information, and I can't help but hold her to me as I think about all of the information I just got in the past few hours.

"So, you and the baby should be fine, and it's a girl, and I'm going to be a dad, and we're married, and how is this possible…"

"I've had the same thoughts racing through my head for the past three months I've known about our little girl here."

**Let your memories grow stronger and stronger until they're before your eyes**

I don't know when it started, but when I fully woke up, I felt my stomach harden and a flush between my legs that I wasn't prepared for.

"Oh God, please…" I say to the empty room, maneuvering to the side of the bed to turn the light on and praying that the wetness I felt wasn't blood.

It wasn't, which calmed my first fear of the doctor's concern for placenta previa. So relieved by that, I didn't think to realize that regardless of the fact that it wasn't blood, it must have been my water breaking. Until another contraction hit, I didn't think about the reason my water broke. I was in labor.

I picked up the phone as fast as I could, dialing Bud and Harriet's number, and hearing a groggy Bud answer the phone.

"Bud, I think I'm in labor, and I need you to take me to the hospital."

"Colonel MacKenzie?"

As another contraction hits, I scream into the phone at the poor Lieutenant Commander as if her were the one who put me in this condition, "Bud! Do I have to make this an order?"

"No ma'am, I'll be there in just a minute… actually, Harriet will be there in just a minute, she's already getting her shoes on."

"Okay, Bud, tell her to hurry."

As I'm waiting for Harriet, the contractions start coming faster and harder than before, and my focus starts to fall to the wayside. I make my way around the room, grabbing my bag and wanting to be prepared for Harriet when she gets here.

I smile at the memory of Harm trying to get everything set for me before he left the last time, telling him that it was too early to do it.

It was too early for all of this, and I couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't supposed to be happening so quickly. Harm was supposed to be here…

I focused on the picture we put on the nightstand, remembering the day we had and the park with the Roberts and the Admiral, and them insisting they get a picture of Harm and I while I was pregnant. His face is a picture of amazement in the photo, that was not the posed one that was intended, but a candid where he had wrapped his arms around me and was whispering something in my ear as he moved his hands over mine on my stomach.

Memories flooded me as another contraction hit and everything grew hazy.

"You're only like this with me, aren't you…" that night on the ferry that could have started everything between us.

"You have someone who'll always love you…" the night I was supposed to be celebrating my engagement to another man, but kissing him.

"Why is it that you're only interested when I've got one foot out the door?" trying to tell him that we had something big, and he wasn't willing to risk it.

"In five years…. If neither of us is in a relationship… we'll go halves on a kid…" making a deal that we had no clue would ruin every relationship with another after it… because there really was no other.

Now everything wasn't hazy. It was black.

**You'll come back when they call you, No need to say goodbye.**

The surprise in my voice was evident when I picked up the phone to hear our retired Admiral's voice on the other end of the line.

"Admiral Chegwidden, this is a surprise, I—"

"Harm, you need to get back here."

"Mac." I say, knowing that there was no other reason for him or anyone to call me but her. I only had a month left of this assignment, which was supposed to give me another month to help Mac prepare for the baby.

"She's gone into labor, but they've had to stop it for awhile… she's having a hard time, and the doctors are worried about-"

"Tell her I'm coming. You tell her that I'm coming and I'll be there as fast as I can, and you need to be with her."

I hang up before he can reply and make my way out the door of my tent to try to find my CO.

"Commander, what can I do for you?"

"I need to get home."

"You and all the other men out here, Commander, don't worry… you've only got—"

"No, my wife is in labor, and I'm leaving." I say, watching him turn to face me like I was crazy.

"Commander Rabb, plenty of Navy babies have been born without their father there. Yours would not be the first, so I suggest you stand down."

"I quit." I say, walking over to a blank legal pad and scribbling out some words and placing my signature at the bottom.

"Well, that's just fine, but how do you think you're going to get home?"

"Give me a plane… I don't care if it's a freaking COD, as long as I can get back to the states."

"Commander…"

"Look, I don't care what happens, you can say I stole it, but I need a plane." I say, and apparently the desperation in my voice is enough to make him sure of the fact that if he was not going to give me a plane, I was in fact going to find a way to get one myself.

It was a battle of the wills for a moment until he tells me to get the hell over to the airfield, and he'll try to figure it out.

"Commander Rabb, I can't accept this letter of resignation."

"You'll have a printed copy sometime this week."

"You don't have to do this…"

"Yes, I do."

When you say you do something on auto-pilot, it is a joke, but in this case it was fairly accurate. I set the destination and I let myself get lost in the last time I saw my beautiful wife. We had been enjoying the morning in bed, with me leaning in and telling our daughter the secrets of the universe according to Harmon Rabb Jr. As I said something particularly amusing, Mac laughed and I felt our baby girl move for the first time.

I couldn't shake the feeling that it was the last time for us. Mac finally came clean with all the things that the doctor was worried about with this pregnancy and my mind was forced to race around for hours. There were so many things that could be happening right now and I was still hours away. It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

**You'll come back when they call you, no need to say goodbye.**

Everything was hazy, and my thoughts were muddled. I could hear his voice, telling me to come back to him, telling me that he loves me, and telling me to hurry. It was pulling at me, and I could feel myself starting to gain control over my senses, wondering what this hazy feeling was a worried that it would never go away.

I couldn't remember where I was until I opened my eyes and took in my surroundings.

"Harm…" I say as loud as I can, and it comes out in a whisper.

Suddenly I'm looking to find him and see that he is beside me, which leaves me wondering how exactly he was here. And why? Clearly I was dreaming… until I realized that something was missing.

"Harm!" I say even louder.

"Mac? Oh, God, Mac, you're awake!" he says, peppering my face with kisses before I can get out the question that is threatening to make or break my life.

"The baby…"

"Is in the nursery… she's tiny, but she's a Rabb and MacKenzie combination. She's got squid and jarhead in her blood, Mac, and she's going to be fine."

"Really?" I ask with this unbelievable relief flooding through me.

"Sarah, you scared me… God, when I got here, they had just gotten the baby out, and you were in surgery, and Harriet was hysterical… I thought I lost you."

"No… you will never lose me."

We sit there like that for a moment, before I realize that he is sitting here next to me… he isn't off somewhere fighting a war, he's at my side.

"You came back."

"They called, and I dropped everything I had."

"I've been around the military enough to know that they don't just let you walk away." I say, raising an eyebrow as he pushes the call button to get the nurse in here.

"I may have threatened that they would be short a plane if they didn't just give it to me… and I resigned... however, I'm pretty sure that a note saying I resign with my name half scribbled at the bottom of a legal pad is going to work for that."

"Harm…"

"Colonel! I'm glad to see you're awake, and I'm sure that you're eager to meet someone. Every time he buzzes, he asks us to bring the baby in." The nurse says, interrupting the conversation we were about to have, and wheeling in a bassinet behind her.

This serves to distract me, and frankly I realize that Harm and I have the rest of our lives to worry about jobs, "Is she okay?"

"She's beautiful, but I'll let your husband show you that." She says before walking quietly out of the room.

He walks over to the small bassinet and scoops the bundle out with an ease that I could always picture in my head and never dreamed that I would actually get to witness.

"Sarah MacKenzie Rabb, I would like you to me our beautiful baby girl."

When I see her, it is like my love for him multiplied by hundreds. I never knew that this would feel this way, and I can't believe that it's finally here. He places her in my arms and moves to sit next to both of us in the bed.

It's perfection. In every possible way.


End file.
